FAYYAZ'S OUTRAGE!

I have just finished reading Fayyaz Mahmood's outraged outburst, and was amused by his belligerent naivete. I presume he has been away from this land of the Pure too long, bringing in the New Year in Trafalgar Square, while "kissing police women and other women" (non-mehram, I presume). No doubt, that is the reason he is not aware of an important aspect of being Pure. He is not aware that 'pleasure' is a bad word, and 'joy' a sin. He is sure to get his come-uppance when we are all carried into heaven, while he goes straight to the place, where the good Imam tells us, revelers like him end up. He says he did not find "Thou shalt not party" in the Holy Book. What he does not know is that the 'good Imam', whom he reviles, has. Therefore, no partying in the land of the Pure!

He is outraged that since he does not tell the local Imam how to trim his beard or how to rid himself of halitosis, he should have the right to do as he pleases. I would have Mr. Mahmood know that is not how things are run in the Land of the Pure. Such an attitude will never get him to heaven! Whether or not he interferes with the Imam's personal hygiene, he still does not have the right to do as he pleases. Why? Simply because the 'good Imam is hell-bent on carrying Mr. Mahmood and all the rest of us sinners willy-nilly into paradise. It would seem that Mr. Mahmood does not aspire to similar high ideals?

I suppose Mr. Mahmood should be forgiven his outraged outburst, since he tells us in the very first sentence that he is bored and melancholic. Bored! How is that possible? He seems to have heard and seen the fun people have in the Liberty Market and the Fortress Stadium. We all know that the only cure for melancholy is to throw crumpled pieces of paper with your phone number on it at pretty (or otherwise) girls, while cruising in your father's official car. He should try it sometimes. He will be less bored and the melancholy will disappear in an instant!

Then Mr. Mahmood proposes to encourage free intercourse (social, ofcourse) between men and women in this pure society. Astaghfirullah (God forbid)! Has he not heard the saying (of those that know better), "Where a man and a woman are alone, the third who is present is the devil?" Since the 'good Imam' is wiser and more knowledgeable in the ways of sin, he frowns upon such vulgar and untoward behaviour in the Land of the Pure. Hallelujah! We are saved from a fate worse than death.

What really horrified me was Fayyaz Mahmood's condemnation of the month(s) long celebration of that divine length of tarmac, the Motorway. How else would he have us rid ourselves of our superfluous donkeys while curbing the (human) population explosion at the same time? It could only take the genius of our respected and beloved PM to have built us a road that has so many varied uses.

Since innocence drips from every word of Fayyaz Mahmood's outraged outburst, I would like to take this opportunity to offer him a word of advice. If he wants to avoid being branded a kaffir (heretic) and a profligate, tied to the stake or hung by the closest tree, he should take a leaf out of the book of our estimable PM-in-waiting, Mr. Imran Khan (the Purest). While in London he can kiss all the policewomen in sight (and even those out of sight). He can wear tails and a top hat to ascot, boogie all night, eat and drink to his heart's content.

In short, he can do as he pleases. The Brits, you see, don't' give a fig whether he goes to heaven or hell. But when in this Land of the Pure, he should don only a shalwar-qameez and a waistcoat (weather permitting, ofcourse), while preaching the virtues of life according to the dictates of the 'good Imam', s against the sinful ways of the depraved west. It is understandable that he will frequently have to go to the depraved West (a la Mr. Khan), to revive his belief in the correctness of how things are run in the Land of the Pure; and while there, he can continue to kiss the police-women he missed out on during his earlier visit!